I may have been a bit dramatic. But the reality was that church was our starting point. It’s where we met. It’s where we looked forward to seeing each other. It’s where all our closest friends were (or sadly, used to be). Would our relationship be the same without this common bond? Could it? I guess it was time to find out.
In the weeks and months that passed by after that day, I remember sitting in my family’s “usual” spot in the church balcony. Joey’s family’s “usual” spot nearby was empty. There were a lot of empty seats those days.
I’d lost my friends who I enjoyed. I’d lost my youth pastor whose leadership I admired. I’d lost my respect for all the bullfrogs and butterflies who couldn’t get along well enough to prevent these losses. And most of all, I’d lost Joey’s presence by my side each week. Sure, I still saw him at school and on dates, but I missed him at church. As I wallowed in my self-pity, I looked up in time to hear the Lord speak to my heart saying, Kelly, am I enough for you? Your friends, your youth pastor, even your Joey - they are all human and will make mistakes. But I won’t. Am I enough for you?
Yes, Lord. You are enough. I want to believe it. Help my unbelief.
The truth is this: Almost since the moment I began to desire a boyfriend, I had one. There were times that boyfriend took priority over God in my life. Church, at times, became my place to see Joey instead of my place to worship God if I am completely honest. I think God needed to get my attention and draw me back to Himself. He was my first love and I needed to be reminded of it.
I saved in my scrapbook, a tattered but neatly folded pink piece of paper with these words typed out on it:
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone -- to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says, “No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with living loved by Me alone. I love you My child and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me --exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing -- one that you can’t imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you -- just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest thing -- keep experiencing that satisfaction knowing that I am. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you...you must wait.
Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry. Don’t look around at the things other people have gotten or that I have given them. Don’t look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you’re ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anyone would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until this one I have for you is ready, I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won’t be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...and this is a perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty. Believe and be satisfied!”
I have no idea who wrote those words. I obviously saved the paper they were typed on for a reason - they spoke to my heart. I needed to hear those words at this exact moment in my life. One Sunday (some time after Joey's family left the church), I sat in my usual spot in the balcony and watched the choir sing their special music at the beginning of the service. My eyes were always drawn to Mrs. Biggs because she always smiled while she sang and I liked her. It was easy to tell she was worshipping and easy to worship along with her. She and I both seemed to be enjoying God this particular morning. But suddenly, her smile went from big to huge. I looked over to see what she was smiling at.
In the balcony doorway to my right, I watched as Joey’s dad, his mom, his brother and finally Joey walked in and found seats. They were back.
I wanted to jump over a few pews and give Joey a big hug. But I restrained myself until after the service.
Yes, Lord. You are enough and you are unusually gracious to me. Thank you!
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